Wishing

Sometimes I wish life were more like a math textbook. That way, all you had to do was flip to the end of the book to check your answers.

But life’s not like that.

Life is more like a novel. But not the kind of novel you can “Tarantino” and read the last sentence before you start. No, if you try to read ahead, you’ll find the pages are blank. The words only appear on the page as fast as you can read them, as fast as you can live them. And when you look back, you’ll find the words are beginning to fade, and before long the pages at the beginning of the book will be blank as well. You can’t just close the book and put it down either. The story keeps going, whether you read along or not.

That’s what life is like.

Sometimes it’s an adventure novel, sometimes a romance. It’s almost always a mystery. It can be funny and it can be sad. Sometimes it’s scary, and sometimes it’s messy.

But that’s what life is like.

You have to make the most of it. Life goes on, whether you read along in the book or not. But it’s your choice, which way the story goes. When you stop reading, life passes you by. And before you know it, you have no idea how you got to where you are. But if you read along, you can be more deliberate about the choices you make; the choices that decide which way your story will turn.

Far too many times in my life I’ve put my book down. I stopped reading; I stopped trying to figure out what might happen next. And now…it’s like I’ve forgotten how to read it. My life is suffering from a major case of writer’s block. They say hindsight is 20/20, and the past isn’t quite so distant that I can’t look back and see how I ended up where I am. But the past is not what I can change. The problem now lies in moving forward; in figuring out what’s going to happen next.

There was a time when I thought I knew exactly where my life was headed. I thought I knew my calling and my purpose. I saw the destination, and I had the directions, I knew how to get there. But I messed it up, and not in small way. And now, I’m not so sure of my destination anymore. But even if my destination hasn’t changed, I’ve got no idea how to get there.

There are some things in my life that I can say without hesitation that I do not regret. But there are many things I do regret. Many things I wish I could change. I know I could spend my days wishing away my past mistakes. But that won’t change a thing. Wishing wells and shooting stars aren’t going to get me anywhere. But despite that knowledge, sometimes I can’t help but wish. Wish I had a made a different choice, taken a different path.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. As a result, a lot of doors have been closed. I just hope that some of those doors haven’t disappeared completely.

Winds of change have passed my way

In keeping with my usual style of incredibly long periods of time between blogs, it has been quite some time since my last post. And yes, quite a lot has happened.

How bout a shot gun recap?

My last post was last August, which was the beginning of the fall semester. I got decent grades that semester, but my claim to fame was my perfect attendance; first time in my life.

But even with that success, the spring semester did not go quite so well. May brought about a bittersweet month for me. I rejoiced with my family as my sister-in-law celebrated her graduation from Asbury. But my heart hung low with the disappointment of yet another failure on my part.

So with a return to Asbury no longer on my horizon, I found myself at a cross roads. It does not matter what may have come to pass had I taken the other path, it only matters the path I am on. The choice I chose saw me staying in Kentucky rather than returning to Virginia with my parents. While my parents have always been wonderfully supportive of me, the bulk of my support system and nearly all of my friends were here in Kentucky.

I stayed with my brother and sister-in-law for a time while I searched for employment and a place to call my own.

It is now nearly two months after school ended. I have settled into an apartment in Lexington. I work part time at Coldwater Creek, a company I have worked with for three years and who has been fantastically accommodating to me and my ever changing life circumstances. I am still on the hunt for a full time job so I can pay my bills. It has been a long journey, but there are finally a few possibilities on the horizon.

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

a reeeeeally really long marathon...

So, it has been quite awhile since I have posted...nearly six months to be more precise.  Things have been quite busy, yes, but I think I would like to recommit myself to this journalistic journey..if that's even a word.  I broke down this evening, and joined twitter, thanks Martha, haha.  Between, Facebook, Twitter, email, and a blog, it can be a lot to keep up with, yet somehow I have found myself contemplating a new medium.  Youtube.  I already have a youtube account, I've just never posted my own videos.  But as I set out to embark on another semester at Asbury and what will prove to be my most successful to date; I have found myself wondering about the value of a video blog during that time.  It would really just be more of a shout out entry to family and friends, keeping them in the loop about the goings ons.  Sort of a daily in the life of type of thing for the people closest to me.  Thoughts?

I suppose I'll have to make up my mind soon, classes start the monday after next.

Here's to another beautiful day in paradise.

Thanks for my fish Mom and Dad

I have not done too well with my goal of blogging daily.  I will also admit that I have not been good about spending time to listen to God.  I have let myself get caught up in my studies.  I have had several projects recently that kept me busy over the weekend and into this week.  I have a feeling this will continue as I delve further and further into my classes.  On one hand I am very excited about this.  I really enjoy my classes, and feel like I am getting a lot out of them.  I do occasionally find myself getting caught in feeling overwhelmed.  It is often in those moments that I find my gaze drifting over to my fish tank, which I have been so grateful to have.  I think it has been a very good thing for me to have an aquarium.  Not only am I able feel proud of sustaining and nurturing the lives of four fish through three moves over the past seven months.  But I have also found them to be a good grounder.  They bring me back into focus.  Those times when I feel overwhelmed I can just take a step back, take a deep breath, and just watch my fish.  (On a side note, I think Chandler has the hiccups right now.)  It reminds me of the times my foster cousin David would get really tense, and we use to have to tell him to open his mouth.  Because he would get so tensed up, and his jaw would clench; and we would tell him to open his mouth because when he did that it calmed him down.  It was his que that he was getting to worked up.  Percy, Marcel, Topper, and Chandler (the names of my fish), are my que to open my mouth.  They offer me that moment of peace and perspective so that I can turn back to my task with fresh eyes and a calmer spirit.  I'm not really sure how much sense all of that made.  But I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm really glad that I have my fish.  And I think they help draw me away from my stress so that I can just pause, and listen to God.

New life for the blog

As you can tell by reading my original blog entry, I have changed the name of my blog.  As you can also tell, it has been some time since my last entry. 

I came to a decision today, that this blog would be a good place for me to chronicle my spiritual journey and be able to share it with those closest to me.  So that they might gain insight into the inner workings of my mind, and so that I can gain insight and knowledge from them.  

Returning to Asbury has opened a new chapter in my life, and I intend to run the race with perseverance.  Hebrews 12:1 has been a favorite of mine for some time now, but I stumbled across it again as I was searching for a new name for my blog.  Upon reading the entire verse again, I cannot deny that it spoke to me, and seemed to fit perfectly with my goal for this blog, as I endeavor to grow in my faith and walk closer to God.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses - Asbury, my family, my friends

let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles - I have made so many bad choices in my life; it is time to throw them aside, and set my sights on the horizon

and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. - ready, set, GO!

So I want to start off by sharing with you a summary of a letter every student, staff, and faculty member on campus received from our President, Sandra Gray.

In the letter, she tells of Asbury's current enrollment of 1,500 students, an all time high.  "This suggests an expanding potential to influence the world for Christ as we prepare for His calling upon our lives."  In an effort to emphasize the unity of our community in Christ, and to strengthen that community, she has given everyone on campus a copy of the book My Utmost For His Highest, to serve as a campus wide devotional.  It is not a requirement, merely a suggestion, but if you ask me, it's pretty stinkin cool!  What better way to bring us together than to give us the opportunity to share in a devotional with the entire campus.

My goal will be to add a blog everyday touching on the devotional of the day, and any insights I might have gleaned, or just random thoughts.

So I will finish up this blog, but adding my comments for the day on today's devotion.

Today's topic was "The Dilemma of Obedience".  It is about learning to listen to God.  "God never speaks to us in dramatic ways, but in ways that are easy to misunderstand."   "As we listen, our ears become more sensitive, and like Jesus, we will hear God all the time."

My ears were once sensitive to the voice of God.  But for far too long I have ignored Him, until His voice became an muffled hum in the back of my head.  Ever since then I have struggled with the practice of listening to God.  Because my ears were once so attuned, I was used to hearing His input instantly, but now it is harder to hear Him, and I grow impatient when I do not receive the instant answer I was so accustom to having.  So mine becomes now a lesson not just in listening, but in patience.  Which tend to go hand in hand, but are no less difficult.  Mom always says I am very stubborn, and so now I will begin to put that stubbornness to good use.

I resolve to practice patience this week.  And I resolve to give God my time, so that I may be still, and listen once again to the still small voice calling me to Him.

Father, I thank you for this beautiful day!  I thank you for blessing us with a beautiful snow that has highlighted the wonders of your creation.  I thank you that I have remained upright as I trek across the slick walkways.  And I thank you for giving me this chance, to return to Asbury, to finish what I started, and to grow closer to you.

I ask you to walk with me this week, keep me upright in body and spirit.  Help me to be still and know that you are God.  Help me to be patient and to once again come to know the sound of Your voice as well as I know my own.  Amen.

Hello one and all,

I'm not really sure why I named my blog Peace of Mind, I guess I figured it was a nice pun.  I find peace in journaling, and a blog is a way to put a piece of your mind out for the world to see...who knows.  At any rate, here it is, my first blog here, first blog in a very long time.  We'll see how it goes.